Yippee Blah

My Karebear came up this weekend to get her crowns and agreed to come visit me for a couple hours. It was sooooo nice!!! I've missed her greatly and I've been really sad the last couple weeks. I wish she was able to move back here but I know she is where she belongs and she is happy there. I just wish Salt Lake wasn't so far from Rexburg. She brought her boyfriend, Ryan with her. So, I met him for the first time. What a character. But I can tell they are really happy together and I couldn't be happier for her.

As many as you know by now, Bruce and I broke up last week. I've been doing decently well. Didn't cry as much as I thought I would but have definitely missed the friendship. Things seem so forced and awkward now. I miss him so much but I know he will be happier without me and he will find somebody who can fill the void I couldn't.

Dreams and Men

I had a dream this morning that we dropped lil Matt off at the MTC (ok so he isn't very "lil" anymore). I didn't cry and it felt so real and so normal. When I woke up, I had to think for a minute whether he was still at school with me. I got up and went to the bathroom. I laid back down in bed and I almost cried. It just really dawned on me that in as little as two and a half months my only sibling will be off on a mission, serving the Lord. I'm going to miss him so much. We aren't like best friends or anything but I know that I can go to him and we can talk. He was my only sense of sanity when our parents are driving me crazy. I love him and therefore, I am very excited for him. He will make a great missionary and I know that he will grow a lot in his testimony, as a servant of the Lord and as a man.

It also made me think about Bruce. He won't be leaving for another two years (about when Matt gets home, Bruce will leave). I was really upset about this at first. I wanted him to leave and come back as soon as possible. But I think deep down, I'm grateful for the next two years. I will still have him while Matt is gone and vice versa. And we will also get more time together to see where things might go. It'll be way nice.

Update

So, I'm sure by now most of you know that I broke up with Chris last week. It was REALLY hard on me. I cried and cried and for that first day I couldn't even eat. But things just didn't feel right with Chris. There was so much confusion in my head and heart. And his non-commitment to the Church and its standards broke my heart every day. And one of the people that I was able to turn to through all of that was Bruce, my bestest guy friend ever. He is amazing and loving and spiritual as I said two posts ago. So since I have been thinking about my relationship with Chris for so long, really I have been mourning and mending my heart for like a month or two. So while the initial break-up was really hard, I was able to get right back up on that saddle rather quickly and move on. Like I said one of the people I was able to turn to and open up to was Bruce and we obviously care a lot about each other and talk a lot as well. So yesterday, it was time for my heart and my head to battle it out. My head said, Nicole don't date Bruce yet, its only been a week and you two are still thousands of miles apart. And my heart said, Nicole, what are you waiting for? He's your best friend and you care about him a lot. Just take the plunge and say yes. You two already act like a couple. Well, my heart finally won out and Bruce and I became official. That however, was the easy part. I now had to explain to my hurting ex of only one week that I was moving on and had a new boyfriend already. It obviously didn't go well but since Chris already knew we were really close, it wasn't too big of a shock.

However, I have to admit that I am super happy. I know that might sound bad but Karyn came up this last weekend to visit and she said she could tell that I was happier and that I was actually glowing. I thought she was crazy but as I think about it, she is totally right. I don't know if I glow but I'm really happy. Happier than I have been in a long time or maybe even ever. I'm finally, finally doing what the Lord wants me to. The only reason I was able to get through that break-up with Chris not only emotionally but also so quickly was that the night before I prayed to my Heavenly Father and I laid it all out there. And when I finished that prayer, not only did I know this was the right decision but I also felt peace. That feeling of peace is the only thing that got me through not taking him back no matter what he said or did.

I have also always wanted to help people and for this reason Business Management just wasn't cutting it for me anymore. I did a lot of pondering and finally decided to go into Social Work. I wasn't so sure about it but a couple weeks later I felt that same peace from the Lord that this was the right decision and that I was going to be good at it. And now that I'm back and school and taking Social Work classes and trying to get my prerequisites done, I am LOVING it. Today, I had Family Interactions and Human Biology and I left both of them just feeling this overwhelming joy. Social Work and these other related topics are really interesting and actually apply to life. I'm learning a lot and I'm already turning into a Social Worker mentally. We were watching a movie the other night and I started analyzing this family. I made me laugh but deep down it felt great. I really feel like I belong in this major and in this career. Yes it has added two and a half more years of schooling than I had planned but really being able to help people will be totally worth all the extra time studying.

I just really love my life right now and I love my friends and my family. It's just amazingly wonderful how well my life is turning out.

School

I've been back out West for a few days now. I've been helping Matt move into his new apartment and get adjusted to college, which surprisingly he hasn't needed much help with yet. So mostly I've just sitting around in between keeping Mom and Dad entertained. It has been pretty boring besides hanging out with my new roommates and talking to Bruce on my new webcam. I'm super excited for Thursday and for classes to start again. I'm a little nervous knowing that I'm starting over in a new major but way excited to be learning the skills I need in order to help other people. I really feel like I'm finding my purpose in life and that is making me extremely excited. I have decided to go on and get my masters and then go work for LDS Family Services. I want to help people and I really feel like that is where the Lord needs me. I might be able to help more children if I was out working on child abuse but I'm not sure my heart could handle that. So, instead I'm going to work with parents and birth mothers in adoptions and work with other people through counseling and other things. I'm extremely excited and I'm even more excited to be making a difference in ways that I never could have if I remained in Business Management. Bruce says that I've grown up in making these decisions but I think it's just been me being more open to the Spirit and pondering what the Lord wants and needs and what I want and need from me in this life.

Bruce

So, I have a good friend named Bruce. He is pretty awesome. Six months ago, he was baptized. I went to his baptism and I barely even knew him. I was told that his family wasn't very supportive of his decision to get baptized and I guess I felt the Spirit because I felt like I should become better friends with him. He is now one of my best friends and I am super grateful for him and his wonderful influence and love in my life. He does everything in his power to help me, whether is getting me a webcam to help me read my scriptures daily or giving me a text hug while I'm crying or just listening to me while I whine about my life.

He is planning on going on a mission next year and I'm super proud of him. He has grown so much in his testimony and has changed a lot even in the short time that we've been friends. I am so amazed at how well he knows the scriptures and how spiritual he is. Sometimes, I just sit back in awe at how much he knows and the things he does. I know it hasn't been easy for him going against what his family feels is best for him, but he has stayed strong and really impressed me. I know that he is still afraid to tell his mom just how committed he is to this gospel including his decision to give two wonderful years to the Lord.

I just am really grateful for Bruce and I hope he knows just how proud I am of him and how much I love him.

Not a Little Girl Anymore..

So, I am slowly coming to realize that at the ripe old age of twenty, I'm not a child anymore. In the last month, I have been asked twice if I have a child and once if I was married. And about two months ago, my computer professor assumed I was married. I'm not little Nicole anymore and everybody knows it (even complete strangers on the plane home hahaha). Anyways, that was my random thought for the day.

Lots of Changes but ALL Good

So, a lot has happened in the last week. I have been thinking for a while now that I'm not passionate about Business anymore and it really isn't what I want to do anymore. So, I was struggling with what I wanted to do with my life and whether I wanted to move home. I have finally decided to stay at BYU-Idaho because I love the atmosphere here and it is a lot cheaper than going to school in Wisconsin. I also had to start from scratch trying to decide what my major should be. I finally settled on Social Work, however, at BYU-Idaho you can't just switch your major to Social Work. You have to be accepted into the program. So I switched my major to Sociology so that I can take the pre-requisites next semester and then hopefully, be accepted into the Social Work program next Spring Semester. This new switch results in me graduating one semsester later than I was planning on if I finished Business. But I lucked out because I have been mostly taking on general education credits the last two years with a few Business classes here and there (which has given me a little business background), a lot of them will transfer to the new major. So, I just have one G.E. (I took Bio 100 and I will need Anat and Phys for Social Work) and then just the regular pre-requisites for Social Work. So, yea that's the plan.

Oh and I have made a new blog for Chris and I once we start our life and family together. The address is http://schwuchowfamily.blogspot.com, I invite you to check it out but there won't be many posts for a little while. I will still have this blog for personal thoughts and everything and the other one will be our adventures together and about our children (which won't happen for a while yet). But I think that is everything I wanted to share today. I move home on Saturday after a brief visit with Karyn on Friday-Saturday. I'm super excited to see everybody back home and see Amanda and her family when they come out.

Dark Clouds and Bright Mornings

When I go home, I'm going to miss..
1. Annelise and her randomness
2. Annelise and the creepers
3. Annelise and Marshall
4. Marshall and his cheerfulness
5. Marshall ruining EVERY single hug
6. Marshall diggin ditches
7. Lowering Marshall's self-esteem
8. Heather and her Disney obsession
9. Heather and her innocent giggle
10. Sara and her wise advice
11. The Spirit of Ricks
12. Devotional
13. Watching movies on my laptop
14. Talking about the Rexburg Creeper
15. Avoiding the Rexburg Creeper
16. Dancing and blasting music while I do dishes
17. Making memories with roommates
18. Being surrounded by people with my same standards
19. Going to temple grounds
20. Building my calves of steel
21. Unique conversations with Annelise
22. The nose game
23. Picture of Jesus in our living room staring at me
24. Stupid shower and apartment
25. University single's wards

When I go home, I look forward to...
1. Seeing Chris more regularly
2. Starting my life a fresh (kinda scared though..)
3. Be a productive, responsible adult
4. Showing everybody that I am growing up
5. Showing everybody that I can do great things
6. Realizing my purpose/goals/dreams in life
7. Making my dreams come true
8. Being with my family
9. Getting my first "real" job
10. Making a difference

Little Pieces of Heaven

I had the best time during my trip home last weekend. The baptism was so amazing and I felt the Spirit so strong. I was stressed beforehand with family stuff. I was really upset and emotional. But as soon as that baptism started I felt the Spirit and I couldn't stop crying. It was sooo wonderful and I am super proud of him. He made the biggest decision he has made up to this point and has totally changed his life for the better. I just couldn't stop crying out of joy, pride and the Spirit in that room. I was really nervous that I wouldn't be able to stop and then it would be my turn to sing and it would be a disaster. But it got that point in the program and the tears just stopped. I was able to sing that beautiful hymn, I Know That My Redeemer Lives, without one single tear and without sounding conceited I have never sung better. It touched my dad though, and he was moved to tears. I couldn't look at him because I knew I would cry. I always cry when Dad cries and because the last thing we had said to each other was fighting, I knew I would cry if I watched him cry because of the Spirit. I was really jealous when Brother Crowther spoke about the Holy Ghost though. He mentioned remembering the day when he saw things click for Chris, that things made sense and that he had a testimony of the Church. I was truly jealous because I didn't have that experience, for various reasons I wasn't there for the discussions. I was out here at school and I was not permitted because he needed to do this for himself. I was jealous that Brother Crowther got to be there when things clicked. That he got to be there when Chris started to find where the books are in the scriptures without much help. He got to be there for all these things that I couldn't be. I want to be there for everything in Chris' life and I'm slowly having to accept that I can't. I'm like the mom who works all day and misses her baby's first steps and first words. It's satisfying to know the baby is growing up but it hurts to not be there. After the baptism, I saw the way Chris interacted with the missionaries. Every time I see him with them, it brings a HUGE smile to my face. He became a Mormon before my eyes. He offers to give them rides home, to give them food, to go play disc golf with them. And I can't help but look on with gratitude that he was able to go outside of his shell a little bit and become friends with them and embrace the "Mormon culture."

So that was experience number one, then my brother had his Eagle Court-of-Honor. I am sooooo proud of him. Such a small amount of Scouts actually go all the way and get their Eagle award and my little brother is one of them that did. I caught myself tearing up a little bit. But I'm also really proud of him in general. He is growing up to become a really spiritual, smart, funny, wonderful man. Sister Hansen came up to me after the Court-of-Honor and expressed to me gratitude for my little brother who has been an example to her son, TJ and really kept him in line. TJ looks up to him a lot and she expressed humorous concern for when Matt and his best friend, Jacob leave for college and their missions because TJ will be the oldest Young Man in the ward and won't have Matt to look up to anymore.

The next day (Sunday), Matt graduated from high school. That sweet little boy I taught how to read when I came home from kindergarten everyday graduated last weekend. He isn't four years old anymore and before I know it, he will be here with me at BYU-Idaho. They call Disney World the best place on Earth but I would have to disagree, BYU-Idaho is and always will be the best place on Earth.

Sunday night, I was talking to a good friend of mine, Bruce Botcher. He is an amazing man. If you don't already know him, I recommend getting to know him because he is so inspirational and really great friend to anybody who wants or needs a friend. Anyways, I was talking to him and he told me that he planning on going on a mission next year once he has been a member for a year. I was overcome emotion as I realized that I have had the wonderful, amazing privilege of being in the lives of three great men who have changed and grown a lot in the time that I have known them: Matt (18 1/2 years), Chris (1 1/2 years) and Bruce (1/2 year). They have grown so much and I am super proud of them. They are going to make great husbands and fathers and priesthood holders (two already have the priesthood and Chris will soon). I'm just really privileged to have been able to watch them grow in their testimonies, in their faith and in their lives.

The seed has grown in many ways..

Ok, so I know it has been a while and I should probably go to bed instead of blogging but I just wanted to express gratitude and happiness really quick before I go to bed. I've been having some issues this week that I just haven't wanted to talk to anybody about. I've been overwhelmed with guilt and remorse and embarrassment and just plain feeling stupid. But after church today and talking with my Bishop, I feel a lot better. I still have a long ways to go but I know that everything is going to be ok as long as I put my life in the Lord's hands and just have faith. This feels like the first time I am really taking responsibility for my life and blaming other people or relying on other people to comfort me and make me feel better. I am truly growing up. But that wasn't the point of this post. The point was to express my gratitude for the Atonement. I don't think I have ever really taken advantage of it like I should have. Like yeah, I repent of the small things I do like losing my patience but never really took it into my life and relied on the Savior to help me through the hard times.

Another thing I want to express appreciation for is the temple. Because of my experience this week I have really come to appreciate that someday I'll be worthy and able to go inside and make extremely sacred covenants with my Heavenly Father and another man. I'm really considering Chris to be that man. I love him so much and I know that we will make a good team and grow TOGETHER as a couple. We both have flaws and weaknesses but almost miraculously our weaknesses lie in what the other is strong in. And we make a great couple. Obviously, we have had our problems and struggles (15 months and three break-ups and three semesters apart will do that to you) but if anything we are even closer than before. I can't imagine being with anybody else EVER again. He is the only man I can see myself with and I can totally picture our life together. He makes me really happy and feel really loved and really special and really beautiful. He is the man of my dreams which is totally different than the man I dreamed of as a naive teenager who wanted perfection in a bottle.

The third thing I want to express gratitude for is baptism and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As probably only a few of you know, Chris is getting baptized this upcoming weekend and I am beyond excited. This is a huge step for him and I couldn't be more proud of him. It's been a long time in the making. In fact he has had six elders already and is on his second round of the discussions. But even though it has taken forever, I have seen him grow sooo much and change. It has been sooooo amazing and I can't wait to see him continue grow and heck maybe someday he will even know more than I do about the church and be stronger in his testimony than me and I've been in the Church my whole life practically. I'm just really proud of him. The Church means EVERYTHING to me and really decides every aspect of my life. I know I've said that before but its true. School. How I speak. Who my closest friends are. Where I want to get married. Who I dated. How I interacted with those boys. The things I put into my body. It's all because of the Church and the standards that I have been taught. I will admit I have messed up. I'm not perfect but even then because of the Church I REPENT. It's so great to know that I can do that and that if I strive to do my best I can return to my Heavenly Father and give him a big hug. I love hugs but I think that hug will top every hug I have ever received here on Earth.

The fourth thing I would like to express appreciation for is the Holy Ghost and that I can have revelation in my life either on my own or through others. I know this is really small but I woke up Friday morning and really felt impressed to completely go in a different direction with my talk. And I know this wasn't me being super smart or anything. It was because that was what I needed to think about and that's what the congregation needed to hear from me today. I also think that it was truly revelation that everything today related to my struggles this week. Brother Risenmay was impressed to ask me to speak on preparing to make and keep eternal covenants. All the other talks were on covenants. Our joint RS/Priesthood lesson was on dating and sexual purity. I just really needed that all and I really needed to feel the Lord's guidance and love and assurance that everything will be ok. I will be able to go to the temple and make those covenants and marry a wonderful man (Chris) for all eternity and I have never felt as loved by my Heavenly Father as these last few semesters when I've struggled the most in my life and felt really alone. Yes, I have had Karyn and Chris and Spenser and all my other really good friends but when I have really needed my Heavenly Father and he has been there no matter what I've done. It's amazing that the only person who is perfect in every way can love somebody as imperfect as me. Somebody who has messed up. Somebody who has flat out ignored his guidance and has to know deal with the consequences. He is soooo amazing and soooo loving that I can not even comprehend it.

I think that is all the gratitude that is OVER-POURING from me right now. But there are other things that I am grateful for. Like that I can be with my future family forever. Like the fact that the Lord always provides a way no matter what. Like that the Lord is very just and fair. Like that I have the wonderful and amazing opportunity to study at BYU-Idaho, where I can learn to be more than just a business and I can learn more than just the gospel but where I can learn to become a LEGEND and make a huge difference in the world around me, big or small I was born to make a difference and my education here is making that possible. Like that I have a wonderful, wonderful boyfriend who loves me for reasons that I don't even understand and wants to spend eternity with me. Like that I was born in this Church. Like that I have amazing friends and family who are always here for me. Like that my struggles make me that much stronger and I am who I am today because of the junk I have gone through. Like that I grew in Wisconsin where I had to stay strong and decide every day to live my standards, to go to class and not smoking or doing stupid stupid and to not spend the weekend drinking and not remember Monday what happened all weekend. Like that I was able to grow up in the Church and learn little by little the gospel through Primary and Young Womens and not when I was 20/21 like Chris is. I'm just truly overflowing with gratitude and a testimony that has been growing for almost 20 years now. In less than two months I will have been an official member of the Church for 12 years or 3/5 of my life OFFICIALLY. This is something that I don't appreciate enough. That I was born in America in Wisconsin in a part-member family. All of these things allowed me to be a member but also to be a STRONG member, at least I hope I'm as strong as I feel. That's not even being full of myself. Its being confident that I have done the best I can and I have tripped and fallen but I have prayed while I was down, gotten right back up, put a bandaid on my knees and continued on.

Anyways, its really late and I should probably head to bed. But I just wanted to express my gratitude and my testimony that this Church is true and so amazingly wonderful.

Day from HECK but Trying to See the Positive

So I had one of the worst days ever today. I needed my laptop for Advanced Business Writing and for my Computers class. I made sure to bring my cord so that I could plug in because there was no way my battery would last three hours (I'm lucky if it can last through one class). Anyways, so I brought the cord and I was fine through Writing but as soon as I got to my Computers class I plugged it in. Class went pretty well. I understood what we were learning and I was actually pretty happy. But I was in a little bit of a rush to get to Economics so I wrapped up my cord and must have forgotten to zip the pocket that holds my cord. When I got home (TWO HOURS LATER), I realized what had happened and decided to retrace my steps. I retraced them probably three times with no luck finding the cord anywhere (I even checked the bathroom and under the benches in the hall on the way to Econ). I went to the BYUI School Bookstore, they don't sell cords for Dells. I went to the Lost-and-Found and nobody had turned it in. The lady there definitely was not friendly. I think she needs to find a new job where it's not like required to be a people person. Annelise had done the last retracing my steps and on the way home, it HAILED on us. I'm not talking snow or rain, it HAILED on us and it was painful and cold. When we got home, we both were very cold and wet. We weren't comfy. I called when I got back to the apartment and gave the Lost-and-Found lady my phone number in case somebody brought it in. But so far no luck.

I went to the Resume Workshop tonight. Only like twenty people came in, not even enough for everybody in the class to write one. I got Jodi James. She was nice enough but she didn't really care about getting her resume or not, so I don't know, this might sound bad, but I didn't put much effort into it. It is definitely something that I still think I would like to do for a career though. On Tueday in Econ, I kind of made a business plan, nothing like concrete but just kind of an idea of how the business could work. This is just an idea though, nothing concrete yet. I would offer free services to the less fortunate. I would help them write their resume and then give them some business clothes to wear to their interview. So obviously somehow I need clothes to give them. I would use some of the profits from the company to go to thrift stores like Goodwill to buy some nice clothes. There would also be clothes donated by people already in the business world. Hopefully, they will still be in good shape but otherwise, between Chris and I, I'm sure we can sew them up a bit and maybe replace any buttons that might be missing. So that's part one, I also want to help those on probation. I haven't decided if these services will be free or a small charge. I want to do it as a service but at the same time, I need to be making a little bit of income for my time and energy. Then the last part is where most of the money/income/profit will probably come from. I will do resume workshops (sort of like tonight but maybe more organized and more space so that you can hear the person better) and some interview workshops. I can also offer one-on-one services to those who may need it and can afford to pay for some help. While I'm thinking about it now, I could probably go to high schools and colleges and offer help to students, too. Again, not sure if this will require a small fee or be free of charge. Anyways, I'm pretty excited about this and think it might actually work out for me.

Mommy Syndrome

So since I've been home, a lot of people in the ward have taken pity on me for my lack of a life and for being a poor college student. I've been babysitting a lot and I'm getting pretty good at taking care of kids. I'm not nearly as scared to be a mom anymore. Right now, I'm babysitting my cousins. When Hanna said this was going to be a fun week and I should prepare to cry and Abby called Chris a scumbag, I have to admit I was more than a little concerned about what this week would have in store for me. But we ended up having a great night and everybody went to bed when they were supposed to and nobody ended up in the hospital.

At three o' clock, Hanna and Abby came home from school. Abby was texting me on the way home on the bus. So she knew I was already at their house, so the second she got off the bus she came running towards the house to see me and give me a hug. Such a sweet girl.

We had spaghetti for dinner which I let bored Hanna make under my watchful eye. We all talked over dinner and it was a very nice. When Jack and Sam were done eating they asked very politely if they may be excused. They both took their plates to the sink and the girls and I talked. All of a sudden, Jack comes running back in the kitchen to give me a big hug. It was so adorable.

I promised Jack that when he finished his homework, we could watch a movie together on my laptop. He didn't want to do his homework, so I had to keep asking him to please do it. We finally ended up at the kitchen table and I watched as he did his fraction homework. He's a really smart boy and he would explain to me why that was the answer. "Seven eights is bigger than one half because four is half" however, when he would write that on his paper, it looked more like "7/8 is biger then 1/2 becaze four is hafe" which was waay cuter than the right way to write it.

Anyways, we got done twenty-thirty minutes later, and he said that I could pick the movie because he loves me. I pick Sky High and I put it in my laptop. Jack gets up, I have to do something. He came back, sat for a while, I have to go to the bathroom again. Then left, next thing I know he's just sitting in the living room, watching Wild Thornberry with Sam. This continued for probably an hour and the movie kept stopping because it was scratched. So, I said, "Buddy, this movie is too scratched and we don't have time to watch another one, ok?" Ten minutes later, the kids are all fighting and I convince Jack to go to bed ten-twenty minutes early. Jack gets changed and goes downstairs to sleep in Dad's bed. Three times in the next two hours he comes into the living room to tell me that he woke up, he'd sit there for a minute then run back to bed.

The other kids go to bed without much trouble and Hanna and I talk for a while about Matt's girlfriend, about Chris' mom being in the hospital, about Jack getting a girl's number at school (yes, he is nine and he got a girl's digits..), and just about random stuff until eleven o' clock.

This morning, the girls got up and went to school without any trouble. Then, seven o' clock came around and I went to wake up the boys. They were a little bit of a pain in the butt. I had to go in there a few times but it wasn't too bad. Jack was really cute. He came down and was so excited for his Toaster Strudel. He asked if I had ever had a Toaster Strudel before. I said that I LOVE TOASTER STRUDEL. He asked if I had ever had a Wildberry one. I told him no and he asked if I wanted one. I said yes and he made me one. He is such a cute kid. Sam got up like twenty minutes before he had to leave for school.

Then, I had the rest of the day to myself and I didn't do much of anything. Just talked to my friends and checked my emails. I also tried to fix my schedule for classes this Spring.

Bears and Memories

On September 8, 2007, I met a wonderful woman. Her name is Karyn Tanner and within twenty-four hours, we were sharing our lives and making memories. I've been thinking about her lot the last few months. She won't be returning to BYU-Idaho with me this summer. She has moved to Utah, starting her own adventure. She has made a huge difference in my life and I love her so much! She is sooooo amazing!! I can't imagine college life without her, but I know the Lord has other plans for her.

I would like to share just a few memories that I have of the last year and a half. As I write this, I am in tears because of the friendship, the sisterhood, we have developed. Yes, that's right, Karyn is my sister and always will be.

I remember many times this last semester and in the month since I've been home when Karyn would just randomly text me lyrics to a song. We've even had lyric wars to see who would run out of lyrics first, which I will admit sometimes I had to resort to Primary songs til I could think of a big person song to sing back to her.

Karyn and I have also started a tradition to waking up the other person with the song Good Morning Beautiful. "Good morning beautiful, How was your night? Mine was wonderful with you.. across the room" often greeted me as I was about to get in the shower in the morning. And as silly as it sounds, it was a cause of great concern when we realized those lyrics were gonna change when I returned to Wisconsin and she went to start her life in Utah. But don't you worry, we adjusted to the distance and now the lyrics "Good morning beautiful How was your night? Mine was wonderful with you in my life" often brings a smile to my face and often starts my morning off to a better start.

I remember when Joe broke up with me, he stayed on the phone and talked to me for a while longer. But the second Karyn walked in that door after class, I dropped that phone and ran to her with tears in my eyes for a big hug. She was the first person I told and the only person I wanted to talk to right then. She has also been there through the Dallin roller coaster and the Mike journey and every up and down in my relationship with Chris. She may not have the same opinion as me about who I deserve but she has always been there to give me a hug, go on a walk with me or just to listen.

Karyn is one of the sweetest girls I have ever met in my life. I know how much Karyn loved the princess bed, but she knew how unhappy I was with the bottom bunk. I would constantly hit my head so our first semester she switched with me. She ended up loving the bottom bunk and we both were happy. Our second semester, she said I could have whatever bed I wanted. Michelle had already claimed the bottom bunk and Karyn didn’t like the top bunk and having to climb on the princess bed to get into hers. But she was more than wiling to let me have the princess bed so I would be happy.

Karyn has experienced a lot of heartbreak the last year. Her parents got in a car accident. Her grandmother had a health scare more than once. Harold broke her heart. Her grandfather had a stroke. Her grandfather died. She is having trouble finding a job. And every time, I was there for her, just like she has always been here for me. Today is her grandfather's funeral. I just really wish I could be there for her instead of half way across the world. She is my best friend and I feel so helpless to her these days.

I remember the night we found out about the accident and her grandmother. Poor girl couldn't stop crying. She was on the top bunk and I was on the princess bed. The second her phone rang and her voice wasn't cheerful and happy anymore, I jumped up (good things I'm short and the roof was tall enough) and gave her the biggest hug and wouldn't let go even though it was awkward and the bed was going into my ribs. None of that mattered, all that mattered was that my Karyn was sad and she needed me.

I told her I was writing her this blog today and I'm hoping that reading it will help her focus on the good things in life and the love that I have for her. I never met her grandfather but from what I have heard about him, he sounds like a great man and I'm sure that he would want his beautiful granddaughter to be happy.

Many times our first semester at BYU-Idaho, Karyn and I would sitting in the living room, just the two of us. She would be reading her scriptures and I would be almost without fail on Facebook. Anyways, Karyn would look up from her scriptures and just share this lightbulb moment she had just had or ask this really profound question. And we would sit there in our pjs and have this amazing, spiritual discussion and our testimonies would grow right there. Those moments are one of the many things I loved about BYU-Idaho and about meeting Karyn. She was never afraid to share her testimony or to share that spiritual experience with me so that we both could grow. She's sooo amazing!!

Of course, not a semester went by when Karyn and I didn't say something funny or stupid or memorable. I would like to share just a few of these:

• "Kar, what would you call the weather outside?" "Poopy..." "Is that like cloudy?" Nicole, Karyn, Nicole's mom

• Kar explains -itis as inflammation and magnum as large. "You're learning that in anatomy? Sounds like a medical class..." Karyn

• "I don't think I'm going to phone my charge tonight." Karyn

• "It'll have eek this wink-end." Karyn

• "The temple is my hot guy..." Nicole

As I mentioned before there has been many heartbreaks over the last year and a half and it became tradition in our apartment to throw your phone across the room. Not sure why we did this since it wasn't the phone's fault the person on the other end was being a turd. I guess it was just therapeutic.

Another healthier solution to the stress of college, the heartbreak of being a young adult and the pain of being far from our families was walking the many blocks uphill to the Rexburg Temple. We would humbly, reverantly walk unto those grounds, go to our little spot and sit down. There was many tears cried there, many prayers answered, lots of hugs given, plans made and friendships strengthened right there many times in those three months of our last semester together.

I'm running out of memories but I just want Karyn to know that she has made a huge difference in my life. A big part of who I am today is because of the influence, the encouragement, the love and the example that she was for me. I feel like I've known her forever and it hasn't even been a year and a half yet. I love her so much and college won't be the same without her there with me. But I know that she will do great things and make a huge difference in the world because look at what she has done to me in such a short amount of time. She is my best friend, my sister, my other half.

She was the first person I tell when my relationships go sour. The first person I told when I got engaged. The first person I told when I broke off my engagement. The first person I go to when something great happens or when life just truly sucks. The first person I go to for advice. The first person I go to for a hug. The first person I met when I started college.

Meeting her was not a coincidence, it was an answer to a prayer and a miracle in my life.

I love you Karyn!!

Best friends by chance and sisters by choice.

Life in Iceland

So, its been awhile since I last wrote, probably cuz there isn't much happening in my life these days. But I have been taking an online accounting class. It's super hard sometimes but I'm sticking with it and I'll make it through with a B if its the last thing I do. I need a boost to my GPA really bad.

I am also back with Chris and couldn't be happier. He is sooo amazing and I love him tonz! I am very happy to "report" that he set a baptism date tonight. He is getting baptized March 1. He is happy but I think it dulls in comparison to his girlfriend freaking out here. I'm so glad that he is taking this step and even more excited that I will be home for it and be a part of it (I'm making cookies and giving a talk lol). He asked my dad to baptize him and I'm really glad. It means that he is officially becoming part of the family. I'm so happy right now like I'm on the verge of tears, no lie.

It is obviously cold in Wisconsin. But its starting to get just a little warmer and I'm super excited cuz that means that spring is on its way and we all know how much I love spring!! Especially because of the horribly cold winters here in Wisconsin and in Idaho.

I've been doing a lot of babysitting lately. Definitely gives me a new perspective about being a mom someday every time I babysit. But knowing that my husband would be there right by my side messing up (I mean raising) our beautiful children definitely helps me feel better.

I guess that's all for now. I am obviously bursting with happiness and excitement. :-)

Winter

Well, I've been back home in Wisconsin for over a month now. I have started an online accounting class that has caused me a lot of stress lately. Nothing was going right for me and I was getting less than desired grades on all my assignments. However, I'm happy to report that I took my first quiz today and got a B. I also got an 100 percent on my assignment today. I'm so excited!!

Life back home has been really hard on me the last week. My family was driving me crazy and I had no where to go to get some space. And my love life has been VERY confusing the last month or two. And I have cried my share of tears. But I know the Lord has something great in mind for me if I just learn a little patience.

It has also been FREEZING here all week. As I write it is negative six which is a huge improvement. School has even been canceled the last two days because of the dangerous temperatures. And we all know how much I love winter and cold temperatures. Maybe that's why I've been so emotional and depressed lately.

Well I don't have much else to report. My days are pretty much filled with school and family these days. And I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a while. This last week and well, this last month has really flown by.