Ok, so I know it has been a while and I should probably go to bed instead of blogging but I just wanted to express gratitude and happiness really quick before I go to bed. I've been having some issues this week that I just haven't wanted to talk to anybody about. I've been overwhelmed with guilt and remorse and embarrassment and just plain feeling stupid. But after church today and talking with my Bishop, I feel a lot better. I still have a long ways to go but I know that everything is going to be ok as long as I put my life in the Lord's hands and just have faith. This feels like the first time I am really taking responsibility for my life and blaming other people or relying on other people to comfort me and make me feel better. I am truly growing up. But that wasn't the point of this post. The point was to express my gratitude for the Atonement. I don't think I have ever really taken advantage of it like I should have. Like yeah, I repent of the small things I do like losing my patience but never really took it into my life and relied on the Savior to help me through the hard times.
Another thing I want to express appreciation for is the temple. Because of my experience this week I have really come to appreciate that someday I'll be worthy and able to go inside and make extremely sacred covenants with my Heavenly Father and another man. I'm really considering Chris to be that man. I love him so much and I know that we will make a good team and grow TOGETHER as a couple. We both have flaws and weaknesses but almost miraculously our weaknesses lie in what the other is strong in. And we make a great couple. Obviously, we have had our problems and struggles (15 months and three break-ups and three semesters apart will do that to you) but if anything we are even closer than before. I can't imagine being with anybody else EVER again. He is the only man I can see myself with and I can totally picture our life together. He makes me really happy and feel really loved and really special and really beautiful. He is the man of my dreams which is totally different than the man I dreamed of as a naive teenager who wanted perfection in a bottle.
The third thing I want to express gratitude for is baptism and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As probably only a few of you know, Chris is getting baptized this upcoming weekend and I am beyond excited. This is a huge step for him and I couldn't be more proud of him. It's been a long time in the making. In fact he has had six elders already and is on his second round of the discussions. But even though it has taken forever, I have seen him grow sooo much and change. It has been sooooo amazing and I can't wait to see him continue grow and heck maybe someday he will even know more than I do about the church and be stronger in his testimony than me and I've been in the Church my whole life practically. I'm just really proud of him. The Church means EVERYTHING to me and really decides every aspect of my life. I know I've said that before but its true. School. How I speak. Who my closest friends are. Where I want to get married. Who I dated. How I interacted with those boys. The things I put into my body. It's all because of the Church and the standards that I have been taught. I will admit I have messed up. I'm not perfect but even then because of the Church I REPENT. It's so great to know that I can do that and that if I strive to do my best I can return to my Heavenly Father and give him a big hug. I love hugs but I think that hug will top every hug I have ever received here on Earth.
The fourth thing I would like to express appreciation for is the Holy Ghost and that I can have revelation in my life either on my own or through others. I know this is really small but I woke up Friday morning and really felt impressed to completely go in a different direction with my talk. And I know this wasn't me being super smart or anything. It was because that was what I needed to think about and that's what the congregation needed to hear from me today. I also think that it was truly revelation that everything today related to my struggles this week. Brother Risenmay was impressed to ask me to speak on preparing to make and keep eternal covenants. All the other talks were on covenants. Our joint RS/Priesthood lesson was on dating and sexual purity. I just really needed that all and I really needed to feel the Lord's guidance and love and assurance that everything will be ok. I will be able to go to the temple and make those covenants and marry a wonderful man (Chris) for all eternity and I have never felt as loved by my Heavenly Father as these last few semesters when I've struggled the most in my life and felt really alone. Yes, I have had Karyn and Chris and Spenser and all my other really good friends but when I have really needed my Heavenly Father and he has been there no matter what I've done. It's amazing that the only person who is perfect in every way can love somebody as imperfect as me. Somebody who has messed up. Somebody who has flat out ignored his guidance and has to know deal with the consequences. He is soooo amazing and soooo loving that I can not even comprehend it.
I think that is all the gratitude that is OVER-POURING from me right now. But there are other things that I am grateful for. Like that I can be with my future family forever. Like the fact that the Lord always provides a way no matter what. Like that the Lord is very just and fair. Like that I have the wonderful and amazing opportunity to study at BYU-Idaho, where I can learn to be more than just a business and I can learn more than just the gospel but where I can learn to become a LEGEND and make a huge difference in the world around me, big or small I was born to make a difference and my education here is making that possible. Like that I have a wonderful, wonderful boyfriend who loves me for reasons that I don't even understand and wants to spend eternity with me. Like that I was born in this Church. Like that I have amazing friends and family who are always here for me. Like that my struggles make me that much stronger and I am who I am today because of the junk I have gone through. Like that I grew in Wisconsin where I had to stay strong and decide every day to live my standards, to go to class and not smoking or doing stupid stupid and to not spend the weekend drinking and not remember Monday what happened all weekend. Like that I was able to grow up in the Church and learn little by little the gospel through Primary and Young Womens and not when I was 20/21 like Chris is. I'm just truly overflowing with gratitude and a testimony that has been growing for almost 20 years now. In less than two months I will have been an official member of the Church for 12 years or 3/5 of my life OFFICIALLY. This is something that I don't appreciate enough. That I was born in America in Wisconsin in a part-member family. All of these things allowed me to be a member but also to be a STRONG member, at least I hope I'm as strong as I feel. That's not even being full of myself. Its being confident that I have done the best I can and I have tripped and fallen but I have prayed while I was down, gotten right back up, put a bandaid on my knees and continued on.
Anyways, its really late and I should probably head to bed. But I just wanted to express my gratitude and my testimony that this Church is true and so amazingly wonderful.
