I'm Much Too Young to Fill This Dang Old

My last year has just been changes after changes after changes every few months. Almost a year ago, my little brother turned into a man in my eyes. On February 3, he reported to the MTC and it was weird for a long time not being able to talk to him whenever I wanted. Not being able to text him. Not being able to make him come to my apartment and hang out with me. My little brother and I have always been pretty close. It was always just the two of us. And yea, we fought like cats and dogs growing up and our parents would send us to our rooms until further notice. But I guarantee you, it take long for us to open our doors and play very quietly from our doors so Mom and Dad wouldn't hear us. Our rooms were right across the hall from each other and we got bored playing by ourselves. Which is exactly what Mom and Dad had in mind when they tried Baby #2, they wanted me to have somebody to play with. So, even though, I had disliked him just a little while earlier, my need for my friend was stronger and I would forgive him for being a brat and he would forgive me for being a jerk.


And then less than two weeks later (February 13), the best man to ever enter my life asked me to be his wife. We had been engaged before but this one was more real to me because this time I knew I wouldn't be breaking it off. I knew that this man was going to be the man I was going to spend ETERNITY with. We were finally both the people we needed to be for that happen. And this time, we were engaged for two months before I left for school. I had an amazing FHE family and it became a small joke in our "family" for Brian to say, "You're getting married?!?!? Well congrats!!" like he had never heard the news before. It always made me laugh and really made my engagement feel real. It was really going to happen. And so I had to start thinking about the future I was about to start with this man, not just as his girlfriend, not just as his best friend, not just as his fiancee, but as his WIFE and the MOTHER of his children. And I don't know if guys notice this but when you get engaged, they interact with you differently. They open up. They no longer worry about you thinking that they like you just because they talk to you. It was quite a change. Guys weren't nervous anymore and it was hilarious. However, even though we had been together for over two years and I knew I would Chris and I would end up together, nothing and I mean NOTHING prepared me for the next phase of my life.

On August 12, I became Mrs. Nicole Marie Schwuchow. And I have never smiled (or cried) that much in my life. I was head-over-heels in love and over the moon excited and happy. But it wasn't long before the honeymoon was over and we had to come back down to earth and face reality. Reality #1: We were moving in less than a month and had pack up EVERYTHING in his apartment and a good chunk of the bedroom I had lived in for the majority of my life (over 15 years) and move to our own place hundreds of miles away from ANY family. Reality #2: I had to change my name which is just one of this processes that seems to take FOREVER and NEVER go smoothly. Then came the looooooong as heck process of changing my name. Oh my, I have never had more people ask me, "How do you say that?" and I have never enjoyed watching people struggle as much as when they looked at my name and very slowly pronounced it wrong. The DMV was the most difficult seeing as Chris's full name is much too long to fit on a marriage license. Reality #4: This might be a little too much info for some people but once you are married and given the green light to be intimate with the person you love more than anything, it brings along other certain constants. Or atleast a constant in my married life... Every single month, even though I'm on the pill, I got paranoid that this might be the month where I find out that I am pregnant. I am a very paranoid person who jumps to the "worst" scenario. So since I know the pill is only 99% effective at preventing pregnancy, I was always concerned that I would be at 1% who ended up pregnant on the pill. Crazy thought, I know but that is my brain and my life. But lucky me, Reality #5 eventually led to change number five came just in time to stop this monthly concern. Reality #5 was that money does not grow on trees and the economy was not going to work in our favor. Chris worked VERY hard upon our arrival in Rexburg to find a good job as a trucker and be able to support our new little family. But there was few small problems, one being that Chris lacks a ton of behind-the-wheel experience. He went to a school that prides themselves on giving plenty of behind-the-wheel experience but everybody wanted over five years experience and he only had four weeks of all-day experience. So, we had to put aside our pride and apply for Food Stamps which was a humbling experience but also a very good experience for me as a growing Social Worker, I was on the other side of the desk receiving the news that I didn't qualify for Food Stamps. Lucky for us, Chris did and we spent the next few months on Food Stamps until....

Change five!! Chris got a job at the local-ish potato factory but he just wasn't making enough money for us to pay off all the pre-marriage debt that had accumulated. So while he worked his butt all day long, he was on the look-out for a better job that would help us become more financially stable. Well, the call came from my brother-in-law, Chris's brother that there was an opening for a propane truck driver at the same company he works for. So, that next weekend, we hoped in our pick-up truck and drove up to North Dakota for Chris's job interview. That day Chris was offered the job. I prayed long and hard and shedded many, many tears rivaled only by my wedding day. We discussed the pros and cons and decided that while it would stink on rice to be apart that long (November to April), it was for the best and we would be that much closer to being financially stable and by the time I was done with classes, he would be very stable in this new position. So, we made the arrangements and Chris was packed up and ready to leave a few short weeks later. I would be lying through my crooked teeth, if I told you life has been easy being away from the man I love after only three months of marriage. It was HECK!! And I cried and cried and cried. And I contemplated not coming back after Thanksgiving. But it has been a good experience for both of us. It has made us stronger and we both are where we need to be. I do envy every couple I see on campus or at Church that is happy and holding hands and the guy has his arm around his girlfriend/fiance/wife. But again, I appreciate Chris and everything he does for me when we are together and apart that much more because I know what life is like being alone without him. Not having him here to jump my car when the battery dies. Not having him here to flush the dead fish because it makes me so sad having to drop that dead fish down the toilet. Not having him here to fix all my problems. I married a really, really good and amazing man and I couldn't luckier. And life will be PERFECT again in about 77 days :-)

Change number six has not exactly happened yet but I have a feeling tomorrow morning is going to turn my life, Chris's life and our marriage upside down. And we will never be the same again. And let me just tell you all six of these changes have made me feel much younger and much older than I am. And I'm not sure I was ever properly prepared for any of them but the Lord is watching over me and over Chris and over our marriage and no matter what tomorrow morning brings, I know we will be ok.

My last thought for tonight really has nothing to do with these changes or the last year. But for the first time last night, I got VERY passionate in my Populations at Risk class. I have a very close friend who will forever be labelled as a sex offender because of a "mistake" he made at 18 years old. He will be haunted the rest of his life and labelled even though he has done his time, he has repented, he has joined the church and he has moved on with his life. He is happily married but when people look at him, they will still see the 18 year old who slept with his girlfriend who was two years than him. Not a crime except that he was an adult and she wasn't. He's not a criminal. He's not dangerous AT ALL. But he is put that category and people (even social workers 90% of the time) don't think about people like him. It bothers me more than anything when other Social Work students say, "I can't work with sex offenders." They are more than just the label, they are people too. With a past. With a family. With a freakin' future. Please don't just look at the label and write them off as not worth your time and energy. I'm not saying that there aren't creeps out there but not all of them are. Some just made a bad decision. Some had a bad childhood. They were sexually abused themselves. I hope and pray that I never turn into that Social Worker who puts on blinders and doesn't help people who are screaming for their help to change their life. While I feel passionate about this, it's not the population I am most passionate about helping. I want to help the youth, help them before it's too late. Before they are a full-blown sex offender, before they are a full-blown murderer, before they are a full-blown drug addict. I feel I can do this. But I also will work my darnedest to NEVER have a problem helping anybody regardless of their past. I hope all my friends and family that read this blog will the same.

"We do not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves." Lynn Hall